I'm having some issues. I had a hysterectomy in the Fall of 2007. Since we've been in this job slump, we haven't had insurance and I haven't gotten my normal hormone medication. My sweet friend who works at a gyno office is helping me with patches, but they are just not the same. I just don't want to be touched or talked to quite a bit. I'm thinking we need to up it a bit. I was going through this process with my regular gyno when we figured out the medication that works best for me and it works in 3 month cycles and is about $300. Kinda' pricey for right now.
Anyway, I was going to write about a whole scenerio that happened last night, and well, I think I will. This blog is my "secret" blog. hehe. Actually, it's not a secret, so to speak, as it's public, but I haven't given it to anybody I know in real life. I don't plan to. So, if you're reading this, it's because you either stumbled upon it, or I just know you from blogworld. If I just know you from blogworld and you want to see my other, less posted in family blog, it's http://gracelikerain75.blogspot.com/. Enjoy.
Last night, I went to bed about midnight. David was still up in the living room. Josh had been asleep for about an hour. I had fallen asleep on the futon bed in his room while reading my Bible and waiting for him to crash. The boys are at my mom's.
David came in about 1:30ish and was feeling frisky. I totally did NOT want to be awake and when I had finally quit being grumpy about it, Josh came in. I could tell immediately that David was not happy about it, and it was directed toward me - like I did something to cause that. Maybe he thought if I hadn't waited so long, we would have been done or something. I don't know.
Anyway, Josh just "wanted me" and "I wasn't on his couch". I lay there between the two of them and simply asked "well, now what am I supposed to do?" David ignored me, so I told him it wasn't rhetorical. He said, "I don't know". But it wasn't a very nice "I don't know". I said, "Either way I go, somebody's gonna be upset with me." Basically, I felt like I had to choose between making my husband happy or removing myself from my son who just "wanted me". I have never, ever been one to put off my child when it's the middle of the night and they just need Mama.
So, I offered chocolate milk to Josh (something he never gets in the middle of the night), and we got up to get it. I got back on the futon for a bit and asked him if he wanted to hold a flashlight (something else he doesn't get at night) while I went to "talk" to Daddy. He did, so I went.
I actually ended up sleeping on the futon, but it was ok. Josh got up at some point and got on there with me and that was ok too. He's such a sweet baby and I know he won't need me like that forever.
The reason for the whole post is to show that things are changing. A few months ago, that scenerio would not have turned out ok. David would have been angry and unapproachable. I would have not come back to him after getting Josh settled. It would have an altogether different outcome. The changes come from simply sitting under the Word so much. I love it and crave it.
The whole hormone story was just an added bonus and explains why I think I really just didn't want him to touch me to begin with. It's a difficult spot for me because I love the affections of my husband and kids. When this mess is going on, I just want them to leave me alone. It will be over soon.
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