Things are changing

I'm having some issues.  I had a hysterectomy in the Fall of 2007.  Since we've been in this job slump, we haven't had insurance and I haven't gotten my normal hormone medication.  My sweet friend who works at a gyno office is helping me with patches, but they are just not the same.  I just don't want to be touched or talked to quite a bit.  I'm thinking we need to up it a bit.  I was going through this process with my regular gyno when we figured out the medication that works best for me and it works in 3 month cycles and is about $300.  Kinda' pricey for right now.

Anyway, I was going to write about a whole scenerio that happened last night, and well, I think I will.  This blog is my "secret" blog.  hehe.  Actually, it's not a secret, so to speak, as it's public, but I haven't given it to anybody I know in real life.  I don't plan to.  So, if you're reading this, it's because you either stumbled upon it, or I just know you from blogworld.  If I just know you from blogworld and you want to see my other, less posted in family blog, it's http://gracelikerain75.blogspot.com/.  Enjoy. 

Last night, I went to bed about midnight.  David was still up in the living room.  Josh had been asleep for about an hour.  I had fallen asleep on the futon bed in his room while reading my Bible and waiting for him to crash.  The boys are at my mom's.

David came in about 1:30ish and was feeling frisky.  I totally did NOT want to be awake and when I had finally quit being grumpy about it, Josh came in.  I could tell immediately that David was not happy about it, and it was directed toward me - like I did something to cause that.  Maybe he thought if I hadn't waited so long, we would have been done or something.  I don't know. 

Anyway, Josh just "wanted me" and "I wasn't on his couch".  I lay there between the two of them and simply asked "well, now what am I supposed to do?"  David ignored me, so I told him it wasn't rhetorical.  He said, "I don't know".  But it wasn't a very nice "I don't know".  I said, "Either way I go, somebody's gonna be upset with me."  Basically, I felt like I had to choose between making my husband happy or removing myself from my son who just "wanted me".  I have never, ever been one to put off my child when it's the middle of the night and they just need Mama. 

So, I offered chocolate milk to Josh (something he never gets in the middle of the night), and we got up to get it.  I got back on the futon for a bit and asked him if he wanted to hold a flashlight (something else he doesn't get at night) while I went to "talk" to Daddy.  He did, so I went. 

I actually ended up sleeping on the futon, but it was ok.  Josh got up at some point and got on there with me and that was ok too.  He's such a sweet baby and I know he won't need me like that forever.

The reason for the whole post is to show that things are changing.  A few months ago, that scenerio would not have turned out ok.  David would have been angry and unapproachable.  I would have not come back to him after getting Josh settled.  It would have an altogether different outcome.  The changes come from simply sitting under the Word so much.  I love it and crave it. 

The whole hormone story was just an added bonus and explains why I think I really just didn't want him to touch me to begin with.  It's a difficult spot for me because I love the affections of my husband and kids.  When this mess is going on, I just want them to leave me alone.  It will be over soon.