grrr....

I’m afraid to type this up in Blogger because the internet keeps crashing. 

I’m so frustrated.  I think it’s hormones, but that’s not an excuse.  It seems to just ride along and build up for a while and then all come crashing down at once.  I need to find the root of this.  I’m sure it’s self.  I literally could just really tear somebody up right now. 

As I’m typing this, I feel it melting away and it seems like it will be followed by tears. 

It snowed today.  A lot.  And it’s really pretty.  But I want nothing more than to go to bed.  And that’s not an option right now. 

My husband has been trying to be sweet, but he’s not getting it.  I don’t know how to tell him what I need to, but then I think it’s just me and my being emotionally led.  It’s frustrating to try to decide what’s what.

My parents still don’t talk much about anything with me.  I feel like an outcast.  I know that’s not entirely abnormal for the position we’re in.  It’s not right, though.  But I know they will see.  Probably.  Well, for sure one day, anyway, but maybe later than sooner.  I so wish they weren’t like they are, but it’s their choice. 

There are so many things I want.  I want fresh revelation from Jesus for myself.  I want to take pictures with a good camera.  I want my kids to stop leaving the doors open when it’s 29 degrees outside.  I want to not have to clean the kitchen 5 times per day – it would make sense for somebody else (anybody else) to do something.  I want to get away with my husband somewhere for a few days – we’ve never done that.  I want my family to support me.  I want to go to school tomorrow, but probably won’t be able to with the weather.  I want the boys to keep their rooms clean.  I want their bathroom clean.  I want to not be so very selfish.  I want righteousness.  I want to walk in the Blessing.  I want to be the answer to somebody’s prayer.  I want to be used by God.  I want others to see Him and not me.  I want to walk out my salvation with fear and trembling.  I want all the Promises of God – I know they are yes and amen in Jesus.  I want to pray for the sick and watch them recover.  I want to see signs and wonders follow me because I believe. 

I get Paul’s struggle in Romans 7. 

But, thank you, Jesus for Romans 8!  Thank you that I have no condemnation because I am in You.  Thank you that I can put off the stinky me of just a few minutes ago in favor of righteousness.  Thank you that I am righteous and truly holy in you.  Thank you for my new nature.  Thank you for your promises.